how much is too much?

Its amazing how much we like pain. We deny it like everything else in this world.... like having a boyfriend or about not being in love or about loving the work we do. We all love pain. Sweet pain. We get pleasure out of bursting a pimple on the forehead or chin. Or the pain caused by scratching the scab off an old wound. But how does that work emotionally? Do we really know when to stop? When to quit thinking to such an extent that you wonder why you started thinking in the first place?How many times has it happened to you that you start off your day in a good note. Everything is hunky dory and then kaboom thunder and trouble in paradise. What happened there? Why the sudden mood swing? We can blame it on PMS ( Well don’t we all) and some blame it on lack of sleep the night before. But the fact is we got thinking. And one thing let to another and a chain reaction started. You know exactly what is bothering you but at the same time you don’t know how to solve it. You feel stupid thinking about it but you did and now there is no turning back. Its like a step you took and perhaps no one was watching... but you landed yourself in a trap. And now that you’ve landed there all you can do is panic. How much is too much? When do you know when to stop? Or Should one not think at all?

voices

Shut up!!! Shut up! Shut up!! I screamed.

You speak too much. How can you talk so much? Aren't you tired of listening to yourself all the freaking time. Are you not tired of talking? where do you get the energy to go on and on endlessly. Can you do without talking for just one moment. who listens to you? Why can't you just leave me alone.

suddenly all was quiet. I could hear myself breathe again. the silence was eery but I was liking it. The voices in my head silenced. I could function again. Work in this mechanical world.

call

What a moment that was; with the wind gushing thru my hair, cold, choppy as though cutting my face with spears. Wind so rough as though trying to take me off my feet, off my hold of the earth beneath me.

Wind… so rough as though laughing at me. At my situation, at my confidence, at the person I am.
Should I go with the wind or should I refrain? Just as I was thinking about it the wind got stronger. Making sounds of that of a huge whale.. calling me, prompting me to move on… to surrender.
Moments passed…. Then suddenly the wind changed its flow. It was a storm but calm. It was firm but suddenly gentle, as though caressing my face with its hands and yet pushing me from behind to go towards it.

I was tempted to follow but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t let go… of the ground beneath me… of all that was in me.
But I could feel myself losing my hold. I had to stand firm on ‘my ground’. But the more I was holding on to my land the wind would cheat me by coming from different directions.
Now I didn’t know where it was coming from. I was suddenly surrounded by it. I couldn’t see it but I could feel it. I knew I was trapped in it as though in the middle of a cyclone. Funnily I wasn’t feeling suffocated. Rather I was sensing something that I had never sensed before.

The wind was getting stronger but it wasn’t hurting me anymore nor was it tempting me towards it. It was indifferent.
Why isn’t it calling me now? Why is it changing so much, now that I was beginning to like it. To accept it. Why was it not reciprocating to what I felt for it. To what I had to say to it.

Suddenly the wind tightened around my feet. Slowly rising to my legs. It was caressing my body. It did care. So what it couldn’t talk or that I couldn’t see it… I could atleast feel it. It did care about how I felt. I felt it hugging me tight. Felt it like a second skin and I was scared again.

No! this can’t be happening. Am I just going to go with the flow. Follow something new so blindly? No!! I need to be firm. Need to stand on my feet. Need to be strong. But …. But…. The feeling was so beautiful. Something that I hadn’t sensed before.

A sense of complete emptiness but not hollow, not a void.
It was like I was full of everything and yet felt nothing. Where everyone was around me and yet I had my space to be just with myself. So much chaos inside me and yet no stress.

I couldn’t understand this…that time. I understand it now. Now that I am living in it. Now that I am away from ‘my marked area’, ‘my land’.

When I looked down there wasn’t ground beneath me. I had been so overwhelmed with my feelings that I never knew when the wind carried me so high.
Now I wanted to go higher. To see what it was like to feel the new ground… but only there wasn’t any. Just openness all around and the wind.